What if I never get my life in order?

What if it never gets easier?

What if my worries and fears never go away?

What if a better time never comes?

What if I never find more energy or courage?

What if the person I am today is all that I will have to work with for the rest of my days? Well, if that were the case, I should probably approach my problems differently. Rather than wait for a better opportunity, I should figure out ways to solve them here and now with what I have. 

I had wasted years of my life pretending to be someone else, hiding from sight all that I judged unseemly, unmanly, unworthy. Part of that came from giving in to the illusion that if I only worked hard enough, tried hard enough, or just read enough, I would one day wake up a different person. Someone I could enjoy being.

Oh, the disappointment.

That flawed approached helped parts of me grow, but others stayed stubbornly the same. And since I couldn’t figure out how each part would turn out, I kept most under lock and key. As a result, my collective “I” hasn’t changed one bit.

There are drawbacks to bringing all that you are with you. The worst parts come along as well. But you bring many other surprising aspects of yourself that are nowhere near as bad as you think. 

Recently, I noticed I produce my best work when I am just me. Not the Sebastian I would like others to see, not the Sebastian my parents wanted, not some perfect version of the man I’d like to be—forever out of reach—but just me. Full of faults. Usually worried about something.

I know I should be better. I want to be better. But I’m not. I’m not as smart, compassionate, well-read, educated, or restrained as I’d like to be. But what am I supposed to do? Hide and wait until my problems magically disappear? (Which they never will.) The alternative is to bring my whole self to what I do. The good parts and the bad, and see where it leads.

Don’t try to be someone else. You’re better off working with what you have.

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Have a Think

Stories and photography for chronic overthinkers.

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